Woolworths giving off bad vibes
In a favorite scene from the sitcom Roseanne, the patriarch of the Dan family made his DJ, his new masturbation son, sit down. “What’s funny about it,” Dan says during the heart-to-heart exchange, “is that even though it’s good and everyone is doing it, there’s nothing wrong with it. , nobody ever talks about it ”.
Dan then put his finger to his lips.
Perhaps this all happened in the early ’90s and we might like to believe that we are comparatively cooler, calmer, and noticeably more sexually savvy today than before.
We would, of course, be completely and utterly wrong.
While masturbation may have undergone a substantial overhaul in its image since those heyday Victorian days when everything from vigorous exercise to electric shocks and Corn flakes have been prescribed to treat it, frankly, we’re not even far enough along to have a frank conversation about it.
Apples for good health, exercise for good health. Orgasms? Sssh [finger to the lips]. We can’t talk about all that.
While the ubiquity of porn might provide a decent sign that many of us are enjoying the weird tug and hack, apparently we’d rather believe that everyone is browsing LiveJasmin.com for the articles.
And, thanks to these holy scrolls, our supermarket shelves will forever remain undefiled by the self-stimulation equipment.
So let’s put our double standards well and clearly. So cigarettes and alcohol are all perfectly sane supermarket items, but a clitoral stimulator isn’t?
Thus, the products that lead to lung cancer and cirrhosis of the liver are good and the products that lead to orgasm are wrong?
Of course, that makes sense. And presumably, lubricants are okay because they can serve a dual function of unblocking a pesky zipper? And condoms are good and dandy because they make the hardiest balloon animals?
As someone who has spent the last few months working on a book on masturbation, I have been delighted with many great books on the subject. My favorites are the Christian self-help volumes. With titles like How to win your battles with Satan and They will cast out demons. Without them, I would still be harboring the strangest masturbatory misunderstanding.
Did you know, for example, that masturbation provides a portal for the devil? That in all this good fun without STIs, we are in fact make love to satan? Exactly. If only I had watched that Linda Blair Exorcist documentary.
I appreciate that masturbation is something some people feel reluctant to do. Likewise for words like Orgasm and clitoral and vibration in any context other than cell phones, give some people the heebie jeebies
But since when do supermarkets stop selling products simply because a little cultural malaise exists around them? As any sitcom will attest, if you have testicles, you will inevitably panic down the feminine hygiene aisle. And yet, to my knowledge, Woolies still sells tampons.
But, the wowsers’ campaign to kill the fun – as is their mandate – has been successful and Woolworths has emptied the shelves of anything that vibrates. Sure. God forbid, a shopping trip might get Lil ‘Ezekiel to ask, “Mum, mum, what is this?” in turn, a parent must actually become a parent.
Fortunately, there is light – and an orgasm – at the end of the aisle. Sex therapist Dr Ruth Once deliciously described the cucumber as the “edible green dildo”. Carrots, zucchini, and bananas can also be found in the same section.
Mosey walks past this recently cleaned shelf to the dental hygiene showcase. Amy (Mayim Bialik) in The Big Bang Theory named his own Gérard. Electric toothbrushes are less expensive than the Durex offering, and my numerous empirical observations lead me to believe that they offer enough decent buzz for the price.
And do I gesticulate with a smirk towards the mascara wands, candle holders and cabanossi? God bless the smallgoods section.
[Gasp!] People masturbate with things other than Durex vibrating balls? I know I was shocked too.
Imagine for a moment that we dare to regard sexual pleasure as a good thing. A strange suggestion, of course, but bear with me.
Imagine if we taught boys and girls how to effectively self-stimulate the same way we teach good health and hygiene. Imagine if we dared to empower girls enough to think that they merit orgams and that they can in fact be had over and over again without any penises in sight.
No, stupid, stupid suggestion. Sex – preferably without those pesky condoms getting in the way – is the best way to satisfy sexual urges. Alcohol, ciggies, sex and prayer.
Because I know very well that I would never have stumbled upon masturbation myself if a Durex box had not led me astray towards the promised land of the clitoris.